Tag Archives: useless

Judging covers and all that jazz

You look at some people, at their outward appearances and you judge them to some length. It think it’s instinctive but I also think it’s important to treat it as a hastily scrawled sticky note. One can’t fully ever know a person, no matter how long you’ve known someone, heck, they don’t even know who they are half of the time. I can attest. I want to kick the habit of insta-judge but that doesn’t mean I’ll make friends with any and all. I believe it’s instinctive, this measuring up, for the purpose of self preservation for at some level whilst meeting for the first time (for however briefly) you try to pick up vibes, peaceable, proceed-with-caution or run-the-frak-away. That said, everyone fights invisible wars. Ugh, what I’m getting at is … how to put it?

This has a meaning. I’m sure it has.

Here I am. Great things are expected of me and such, you know how family can be (if yours is like mine), supportive with bright eyes and two thumbs aggressively up. Here I am, a chronic-insomniac who is slowly gaining ground in the battle of accepting myself, my fat lazy ass self. I subject myself to self-hate sporadically for various reasons. Sometimes I am so mad at me to the point that I am afraid of what I transform into.

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What should I do when I feel useless as I feel right now? I can sense the others’ agitated auras at the mention at my name. It’s my fault after all, I can say that the magnetism of the stagnating space I occupy is overwhelming, and it is true. But. But, it’s not like I cannot do something about my state of lethargy. Quite frankly, I’ve gotten lazy. I hate it, I do. I don’t make any excuse. I keep trying to be good, to get better and not be a waste of existence but … I feel a weight of something hanging over me, a subtle pressure and it seems to absorb the shadows around me. I can feel the blackness of it, it’s quite seductive really.

At intervals I exclaim with bursts of inspiration and resolve and my horizons look endless, lit with lights of possibilities. Then it wears out. I constantly need to be energized. Is something wrong with me? I don’t think so. How can I get out and see places and do things if I can’t get my act together? How can I aid those around me? I hope that useless isn’t the only thing I’m good at being.

Yes. I’m a wee depressed and I believe I have to resort to sleeping pills, again. I hate those as well but they usually help. I don’t normally write such personal posts but in doing this I want it to count for something.

I hope you lot are better off.



Filed under Thoughts