Let me tell you a thing, I suck at interaction sometimes and this would mostly apply to blogging and visiting blogs. So when I say I am so grateful for all the visits this here humble virtual abode of mine got in my absence, I mean this with all my heart. I have one or two other excuses, of course. Thank you, gracias, merci, grazie! I can’t imagine why you guys stick around.
I’ve hit some sort of wall that I’m finally scaling at a creeping pace (if that makes sense) and my computer is still acting up even after the check up I got done and I’ve got to start saving up for a new one soon, and apparently I think better, or should say more, when I type as opposed to writing (except for poetry, though).
I’ve been drowning myself in music, more than the usual anyways. I’ve gotten into Radiohead quite a bit, “Body Snatchers” hooked me. Um then I discovered Redbone, The Archies and got an eyeful (haha) earful of “Hang on Sloopy” by The McCoys. Sort of a longish list, really. Also electro swing, ugh, such curvaceous sound waves.
I feel my attention slipping away already and I hate that. I hate that I want to write things but I end up feeling that I don’t follow through. I feel disappointed in my self yet I understand why … but still. I drive myself insane with contradicting tendencies, it almost makes sense.
Thank God for mothers, and if you’re an atheist then thank … the universe? Thank goodness. I love mine, and there are moments times when I am acutely aware of how fortunate I am. She’s funny, kind and well, very motherly. Seldom do I see her genuinely serious and friends, those are times to thread lightly. Like right now, I can just walk up to her and give her an impromptu hug (most hugs are, aren’t they?) and she’ll give me a mama grizzly’s feathery embrace.
Why am I thinking about mam? I’m pissed at particularly no once person or group of persons, at the entire world actually and she makes me feel better. I want to be able to talk freely, to express myself without fear of exposing a weakness and generally not give a single crap about bigoted idiots (and I mean completely not waste any braincells) because there are some things one just can’t help at a whim. But that’s a perfect world. Of course I can abruptly choose not to but that’s instability right there. I try to be this tough girl out and about when I’m still plagued by major insecurities and my mind is split and I have to consciously make decisions of what to say in response to someone. Conflicted. I will add that I’m grumpy today.
It’s not surprising I hadn’t slept last night. My sleeping patterns aren’t healthy, surely, but tell it to behave why don’t you. I drag my drowsy lump of a body up the stairs then to trudge along to my room with a defined yawn stamped wide on my face. It hadn’t been hot out today that I should be compelled to reroute to the bath immediately. I want to crash so badly. Just before I reached the door, I stop in my tracks. My nose twitched. Breath in again. Again, deeply this time. It’s going to rain. The fresh, untamed scent riding on the wind carried a whiff of smoke, but little of that. I’m torn: stay there statue still till the heavens descend in all it’s condensed glory or to just beat it.
Then suddenly … I wasn’t slumped with exhaustion that much anymore. Needle. And I need some thread. Why these odd urges come to me at these odd moments will forever mystify me. There was a small pile of undergarments to be mended. Certainly, they cannot wait any longer. Why me? Why couldn’t there be an urgent secret meeting of elemental magicians that I need to attend somewhere? No such luck. Read More »
I’m a decent procrastinator, if I fail to constantly keep myself in check I fear that I’d soon let myself go. Sometimes I leave the little things down for much later that they pile up to be this big monster of collective things, and when come to facing them it’s like I’m a kid again and I’m about to look under the bed.
I worry about this like I worry about a lot of things, but it would all be simpler if I did stuff ASAP, you know? The good thing though is that I still live with my family, they remind me and will keep me on track when they can. They are always here for me. I might get unruly sometimes, and other times they will misunderstand but these things happen and I have to detach myself from the petty miseries these events bring along, or I’ll end up being a petty person, and that’s like one of the worst kinds of people to be.
Who would appreciate a worry-body, a pessimist? Hardly anyone, if anyone at all. I try not to over think situations, see more into things than there really is. I don’t want to worry about the things that will have little negative effects on me, I don’t want to amplify them and stress unnecessarily, myself and the people who choose to surround me and the ones that have no choice. I want to radiate positive energy but it’s a heck of a tough thing to do when I feel cracked up inside, and every time I smile on the outside a new fault line forms on the inside.
Well, that’s the longest title I’ve ever permitted myself to publish. At some point I will begin to ramble, but perhaps you might not realize that I usually do this because I edit to make it look less obvious. My lips are smarting from the pain as I bite the peeling skin. That sounds gross. It is right to say my lips are ‘smarting’? See? I have already began, but I am not going to edit and if I remember I’ll tell you why it’s important to me.
Okay, I have sleeping problems and I won’t say it’s insomnia because well I’m distracted all the time by one thing or another but I could rest if I let myself. What usually steals my sleep is reading. Since I got the kindle app I’ve lost so much of it. I can’t bring myself to delete it. I think I need professional help. Now, I’ve been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower on and off for almost a week and a half but it’s gotten so much interesting that I stayed up till this ungodly hour reading it half way through. Trouble is that the best time to talk about a book or movie is just right after reading or watching it so I might not be as exact as I intended earlier.
Charlie. He is, to slap a label on, this introvert that I believe gives me an inside look on how some introverts think. He really gives a lot to the details that I would fling over my shoulder because of the irrelevance of it at that given moment. Charlie makes me see how much there is to a simple action, a simple inaction, how much there is to see at family gatherings during holidays and when you think about it sometimes you wonder why you weren’t in some daytime television drama series. There is so much in everything that it amazing till it hurts your head.
Hi everyone, you might have noticed the large space between my posts, that’s a bit of good and a bit of bad. Time has gotten scarce if you know what I mean, and I want to apologize for all the the comments that have gone unanswered from me but I promise I’ll get to them as soon as I can. The following is a dialogue between Gale and I that I’d like to share. This had taken place late last year. I think you guys might come to love her as much as I have ;)
December 22, 2012
I’m not what could be described as an insomniac but the fact is that I can’t seem to find sleep at night. No, scratch that. I just realized the truth while writing this. I stay up at night because I find it quite easy to fight the urge to sleep, deliberately resisting and not embracing it when the opening presents itself. It’s become a habit over the years and it continues to be.
The result is that I wake up really late, before when I used to go in around 2 AM I’d wake up later at around ten (days when I don’t have school) and lately I’ve stretched my hours to 4 AM and at the latest to 8 AM but that hardly happens, thank the gods, and naturally the result is that I wake up even later. My current latest is 2 PM. Yes, it is hell when I have to go to classes (a max of 5 to 4 hours of sleep). Why don’t I go in early on those days? Simply because of my condition’s status being of a habit, but when I really put my mind to it I hit the hay early enough I do (very seldom).
Writing this now it is 1:28 AM and I will get to publishing it hours from this moment. I’m outside on one of the smaller chairs of settee with my socked feet propped up on one of those small highly portable wooden coffee tables and by back to my grandpa’s room. I can hear the distinct rattling of his little fan. I kind of reek of mosquito repellant, the socks help even though it’s rather warm, it should keep the suckers off. I’ve my father’s blue St. Martin cap on my head and I’m anxious that he’ll walk out any moment now as he’s apt to do every now and then.
Another fact: I’m not supposed to be out of my room at these hours, but it’s very convenient.
Because my room doesn’t have an outlet that’s compatible with my laptop’s plug
The loo (note: loo isn’t in the American dictionary or at least their vocabulary – Sincerely, the red squiggly line) is closer, speaking of which I’m leaving writing to visit …
Today I will tell to you a brief tale – a true one, mind you – about a girl who was tasked to get goodies on Amazon. (Click the “Read more” I you’re up to seeing a hot, but decent, pic of Zac Efron)
This is her story. * Cue the Law and Order: SVU “DUM DUM” *
She was badgered (especially by her younger sister and a friend) to change this and change that. This movie now, another later. This all happened mostly on the very last day that she was supposed to press the shiny red button to finalize things, but she was okay with that … until it got really unbearable. There was a problem, and Huston hightailed out to Alaska. The problem was she had not slept a wink in almost twenty hours (she could blame herself a little for that) and not a drop of coffee because she was trying to get clean off the stuff. One could only imagine what that was like, unless you had a similar unfortunate situation then you’d know exactly.
Okay, a ginger beer (non-alcoholic) because I don’t do the hard stuff, heck not even the soft ones. So what if it has around 37 kilo calories (3 700 cal)? I’m going to die a happy woman, right after running all the way to Timbuktu, just kidding :P
Right this moment I’m hyper, like Alvin and the chipmunks on coffee hyper. I’ve been talking to my co-worker for 10-15 minutes, recounting the crazy and stupid things I did during my last years at high school with my friends at top speed and with an equal amount of high. I’ll talk about my experience with caffeine in another post.
Earlier tonight I was listening to Michael Buble’s “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”, yes, in August. Actually I listen to his Christmas CD throughout the year because I just love it … and well it’s the only album I have of his, but that will change when I’m filthy stinking rich I’ll buy every album of the BeeGees, The All American Rejects and Mozart and a few others. The day will come.