What should I do when I feel useless as I feel right now? I can sense the others’ agitated auras at the mention at my name. It’s my fault after all, I can say that the magnetism of the stagnating space I occupy is overwhelming, and it is true. But. But, it’s not like I cannot do something about my state of lethargy. Quite frankly, I’ve gotten lazy. I hate it, I do. I don’t make any excuse. I keep trying to be good, to get better and not be a waste of existence but … I feel a weight of something hanging over me, a subtle pressure and it seems to absorb the shadows around me. I can feel the blackness of it, it’s quite seductive really.
At intervals I exclaim with bursts of inspiration and resolve and my horizons look endless, lit with lights of possibilities. Then it wears out. I constantly need to be energized. Is something wrong with me? I don’t think so. How can I get out and see places and do things if I can’t get my act together? How can I aid those around me? I hope that useless isn’t the only thing I’m good at being.
Yes. I’m a wee depressed and I believe I have to resort to sleeping pills, again. I hate those as well but they usually help. I don’t normally write such personal posts but in doing this I want it to count for something.
I’m tired because I don’t get enough sleep, if I could help it I would. I’m tired of preaching to my sisters to close the tap properly, don’t they know how much water is being wasted? I’m tired of the judgmental people in my society who have no business in my affairs. I’m trying to learn how to ignore them, because they don’t matter. Of course I have opinions too but it’s up to you if you give a damn. I am tired of feeling weak and unable because I really know that’s a lie but sometimes lies feel really real.
I am tired of being sad and depressed of teenagers, and adults also, committing suicide ending their lives out of shame for one reason or another under pressure from peers and even neighbours. For being gay and unable to change that without hurting themselves, for being introverted and teased for being that way. Because they were being themselves.
Correct me if I am wrong but I get the general impression (via media) that we are being encouraged to be who we are, to not pretend to fit in because it is hurtful to us. Where is the sense in this opposition? Probably it’s because Continue reading →