Down in the dumps

I’m not going to even try to articulate wtf the turmoil in my head is about. Frankly, you’d wish you’d never hear it. I think it is fascinating in a gut clenching way of how a hot sticky day with just one rotten, vile person and a handful of insecurities can sink a body down to her knees. You’ve probably guessed I’m depressed. Unfortunately yet again.

I believe in crying, the kind that happens behind a bolted door where you either curl up in a fetal position or a full bodied sprawl and just let it go for a while. Then play some Queen or Journey, get up again and move on. That, my friends, is a road to recovery.
Lancing the forceful lump in my throat that runs an underground line of cables throughout my body, an overload of to many waring emotions.

But the thing is you have to know when to stop crying because ultimately it doesn’t solve anything. It’s just a means of surviving into the next moment. But really, I have to be careful about what I let myself believe during that time. Honestly, I bounce back eventually but it still sucks to feel squishy and utterly vulnerable to the universe.

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or who your family is or how wealthy you are, everyone can have problems stemming from a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness. So don’t for a second believe that because he or she is so lucky and gorgeous he/she can’t possibly be unhappy with him/herself.

You can have a world of people buzzing around you but not have anyone to completely pour your soul out it when in doubt. Sometimes you is all you have and it is so so so important to be kind to yourself.

After a bath, I feel marginally better. I need to get some work finished and then I’ll indulge in the luxury of privacy and have a good, healthy cry.

There has to be a better day waiting to be had. I must find it. It’s a good world but it takes courage to keep believing in that and even more to go an seek it. I just know it’s worth it so I refuse to give up.

Be well, dear readers, the gods know I wish you guys are much well off.


7 thoughts on “Down in the dumps

  1. I’m sorry you had a rough day Devina, and I hope you feel better now. Even while you write in sadness your words speak of a maturity – that you recognize that so many others have bad days too and that we cannot assume other people’s happiness. Love how you end the post on a hopeful note, because you’re right that there are better days out there waiting to be had. Keeping you in my thoughts.

    • Thank you so much, Thomas. I’m much better now. Things Seem so important in the moment and well they are but change does happen. It’s okay for now.
      I was a more selfish person before, and though I can’t quite remember what woke me up, I try to think about the invisible troubles of others. To them I’m another stranger with problems similar to theirs.
      There’s a good chance I’ll get to the book store tomorrow and that possibility lifts me up so high my toes are off the ground. I wonder I ever told you about my dilemma with the bookshop? I’m glad you came by, I wish you a good day (:

  2. Not that this is about me (!) but you might like my post on pain today – I think what you describe is exactly why it speaks to me. We have to embrace our sadness as a part of us and our experience, not push it away or hide from it – I believe that’s when it comes back to get us in other more bodily ways. Taking time to work through it but knowing when enough is enough is a strong and admirable approach (in my opinion!) hugs x

    • I love how you put it that way. There’s no healthy way to bypass these feelings, you have to acknowledge them and embrace them and eventually you will learn how to live with them.

      Yes, there’s always a line, one that either sees us sinking on one side or moving on to a solid road on the other. Also, I do agree, the quote does have a similar ring to this. Thank you for sharing theses much appreciated words!

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