I’m not going to even try to articulate wtf the turmoil in my head is about. Frankly, you’d wish you’d never hear it. I think it is fascinating in a gut clenching way of how a hot sticky day with just one rotten, vile person and a handful of insecurities can sink a body down to her knees. You’ve probably guessed I’m depressed. Unfortunately yet again.
I believe in crying, the kind that happens behind a bolted door where you either curl up in a fetal position or a full bodied sprawl and just let it go for a while. Then play some Queen or Journey, get up again and move on. That, my friends, is a road to recovery.
Lancing the forceful lump in my throat that runs an underground line of cables throughout my body, an overload of to many waring emotions.
But the thing is you have to know when to stop crying because ultimately it doesn’t solve anything. It’s just a means of surviving into the next moment. But really, I have to be careful about what I let myself believe during that time. Honestly, I bounce back eventually but it still sucks to feel squishy and utterly vulnerable to the universe.
It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or who your family is or how wealthy you are, everyone can have problems stemming from a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness. So don’t for a second believe that because he or she is so lucky and gorgeous he/she can’t possibly be unhappy with him/herself.
You can have a world of people buzzing around you but not have anyone to completely pour your soul out it when in doubt. Sometimes you is all you have and it is so so so important to be kind to yourself.
After a bath, I feel marginally better. I need to get some work finished and then I’ll indulge in the luxury of privacy and have a good, healthy cry.
There has to be a better day waiting to be had. I must find it. It’s a good world but it takes courage to keep believing in that and even more to go an seek it. I just know it’s worth it so I refuse to give up.
Be well, dear readers, the gods know I wish you guys are much well off.