I’m a decent procrastinator, if I fail to constantly keep myself in check I fear that I’d soon let myself go. Sometimes I leave the little things down for much later that they pile up to be this big monster of collective things, and when come to facing them it’s like I’m a kid again and I’m about to look under the bed.
I worry about this like I worry about a lot of things, but it would all be simpler if I did stuff ASAP, you know? The good thing though is that I still live with my family, they remind me and will keep me on track when they can. They are always here for me. I might get unruly sometimes, and other times they will misunderstand but these things happen and I have to detach myself from the petty miseries these events bring along, or I’ll end up being a petty person, and that’s like one of the worst kinds of people to be.
Who would appreciate a worry-body, a pessimist? Hardly anyone, if anyone at all. I try not to over think situations, see more into things than there really is. I don’t want to worry about the things that will have little negative effects on me, I don’t want to amplify them and stress unnecessarily, myself and the people who choose to surround me and the ones that have no choice. I want to radiate positive energy but it’s a heck of a tough thing to do when I feel cracked up inside, and every time I smile on the outside a new fault line forms on the inside.
But it’s not always that bad, my moods depend on what’s going on around me and my current train of thought which can either be constructive or destructive. One minute I can be happy and loaded with sunshine, ready to zap someone with beams of happy light, and the other minute I could be all doom and gloom but no one notices to what extent how much doom I’m experiencing. I might seem just unhappy or cranky or tired, that’s all people might see and no one so far has confronted me, really demanded what the hell is wrong. Why? Perhaps I hide it well. Maybe I’m perceived as an angst ridden teen with unimportant girl problems, and there’s something to be said about assuming.
I regret giving the people I know in real life the address to my blog for the sole reason that I want privacy from them. There’s freedom in being anonymous in a crowd, akin to euphoria with the freedom of sharing my mind with people and not having to face the people I know who might have some touchy and uncomfortable questions for me to answer. But what if
that’s for the best, I have a leash to walk with, to not over do things. Then again I am not just any animal to be reigned in. The day I fully accept that I can filter who-says-what matters and doesn’t, will be they day I won’t care about what they think. I can’t cage myself with bars made of the opinions of other people, forged with my ignorant convictions that they are always right. I just can’t.
I think this is where I will stop today. Normally I don’t even know where to start, it’s the most typical things and feelings that have a whole lot of layers hidden beneath. At first I was feeling a bit grouchie and a tad pessimistic and had I ended this with that frame of mind I would finish with something very solemn and dark, that nothing ever really gets better. But that’s not the way I want to be, I have a choice you see, we all do.
I want to say that it does get better, the thing is that I have to believe it. Sometimes I feel under pressure I don’t want to have hope because it give me this moment of twisted truth that this abysmal darkness is the only real constant, but it is vital that I have faith in the light. There is a better way of life for those that believe in one, I want to be such a person and it will take hard work but I know it will be worth it. I’m worth it.