Expectations, depression and a little about my life

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Do you know how difficult it is to life up to expectations? Of course you do, who doesn’t? My family is counting on me to become a doctor, fine, no problem, I shall endure boot-camp with Chemistry and Maths courses. I’d like to be one, a doctor, I have for the longest while but I’m not really sure if that what I’m meant to do in life but I won’t know until I try, right? So I will, I’m going to bust my butt to try to get into Cambridge or another good college.

We have a little family business, that my siblings and cousins and I are expected to continue to run and improve and being somewhat the eldest I’m expected to get serious, I’ve already got my fingers in the familial pie and I will do my darned best. My family has worked too hard for everything to waste away, they sacrificed a lot for us to get to this point and I owe it to them and the business to assert my self and commit.

These days I’m being teased about when I get married this will happen so and so, then they go on about the boy, a very sorry boy if he  got on the wrong side of my daddy dearest who – like all dads – has a shotgun. My grandma and some of my friends are relentless when they touch on that subject, the boy, I cringe at the thought.

Frankly, this is not the time to get all soppy and stupid over some idiot when  I have studies to complete. The only guys I think about are the ones I make up in my head, and I’m content. Period. They’ve got me so edgy that I declared that I might not get married, I’ll be an old maid or become a nun or something. Who am I kidding? Chances are that some day I’ll find someone, but until then I’d avoid such relationships I can only take so much grief.

I’m depressed, on and off. Should I sit and cry in a corner? Been there and done that. I don’t throw tantrums, a big no-no in our home. I don’t want to stress out my parents, and besides, I don’t want to sound like a whiny unappreciative brat. I should be grateful for all that I have an education, food, family, the Internet that I have or you wouldn’t have been reading this, HC&B (Hot chocolate and books) wouldn’t have probably existed. I shouldn’t be complaining; I have it so much better that a lot of other people but the fact remains that I have problems too. I also have expectations of myself, I’m pressured sometimes, I’m battling some bad habits and like any other person, like any other teenager, I’m prone to depression, trying to find some sort of solace in it’s murky depths.

I can’t tell anyone really how it is how I feel even though sometimes I almost open up, no one want’s to be vulnerable, I have my sis but it’s not easy to say the words, do you understand what I mean? I have some good friends the ones that knew me for years but I haven’t seen since graduation whom I call, but again the words remain stubbornly stuck in my mouth. But here I am, writing them. It’s not a piece of cake but it’s about time I let some of this go.

How does one go about pleasing my family and myself at the same time without anyone getting hurt? Is it possible? Some might say: that you shouldn’t strive to please anyone do what you do for you, but isn’t that a bit selfish? I want to make my parents proud of me, but at what cost? They’ve tried to keep us happy, shouldn’t I do the same for them? But is it right to give up what I want to be, what I’m meant to be, would they be happy if the knew?

At some point in our lives we say that our parents don’t understand us, but as I look at myself, my experiences, I hope that I’ll have a good relationship with my kids. I want to understand them and let them know that I do without sounding condescending, teenagers are fickle and capricious creatures, I should know. *sniff*

Whether you’re an adult or a teenager, how do you deal with stress and depression? Do you have someone to lean on or do you keep it all in?  Is there any advice that you can share?

What I’m going to do is try to channel the myriad of overwhelming emotions into poetry, that should prove to be therapeutic, no? That’s all for now folks. I hope your week’s far better that mine so far.

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8 thoughts on “Expectations, depression and a little about my life

  1. I understand the need to want to please your parents and not disappoint them, but at the same time you’ve got to remember to put your interests first. You can’t live for your parents’ expectations forever.

    And I agree with hodgepodge. You’re a strong person, and things will get better.

    1. You can’t live for your parents’ expectations forever.

      I know, sooner or later I’ll have to do what I know that is right for me but right now it’s not as easy but I’ll try. Thanks for your kind words, Dienna, I appreciate it:)

  2. I’ve read your poems, your posts, and to me, your style of writing is honest, transparent, and meaningful. Yep, the need to fulfill expectations can often be seen as a wrong thing to do, but it’s never easy. I’m saying this because I’m in the exact same situation. My parents want me to be a doctor too. Apparently, I’m suitable for the job. I didn’t like the idea very much, but the more I know about Biology, the more I see it has a part of my future. Like you said, you never know unless you try. Hang in there, (we’ll “hang in there” together) 🙂

    1. I’m very flattered that you’ve like my writing:D Exactly! It’s nowhere near simple but it’s best to go with the flow until come the day when I’m very sure of what and where I want to be.

      … but the more I know about Biology, the more I see it has a part of my future.

      I understand what you mean, to me Bio’s very interesting and as you go deeper into it the more interesting it becomes and it is quite easy to comprehend.
      It’s kind of nice to know someone who’s going through the same thing, we’ll hang in there together 🙂 Thank you so much for coming by and commenting!

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