Useless

What should I do when I feel useless as I feel right now? I can sense the others’ agitated auras at the mention at my name. It’s my fault after all, I can say that the magnetism of the stagnating space I occupy is overwhelming, and it is true. But. But, it’s not like I cannot do something about my state of lethargy. Quite frankly, I’ve gotten lazy. I hate it, I do. I don’t make any excuse. I keep trying to be good, to get better and not be a waste of existence but … I feel a weight of something hanging over me, a subtle pressure and it seems to absorb the shadows around me. I can feel the blackness of it, it’s quite seductive really.

At intervals I exclaim with bursts of inspiration and resolve and my horizons look endless, lit with lights of possibilities. Then it wears out. I constantly need to be energized. Is something wrong with me? I don’t think so. How can I get out and see places and do things if I can’t get my act together? How can I aid those around me? I hope that useless isn’t the only thing I’m good at being.

Yes. I’m a wee depressed and I believe I have to resort to sleeping pills, again. I hate those as well but they usually help. I don’t normally write such personal posts but in doing this I want it to count for something.

I hope you lot are better off.

D.

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10 thoughts on “Useless

  1. Ah, you poor thing.
    Keep a weather eye on that looming seductive darkness :-)
    I’m coddling myself today – ear infection on top of hyper-anxiety and depression – and I know at some stage my mind will be telling me the “useless” story, and the “lazy” story, but truth be told the most constructive thing I can do today is coddle myself, so I shall have to be strong enough to relax into self-care. That last phrase might sound oxymoronic, but I have a feeling you’ll understand what I mean :-)
    Take care.
    XX DB

    • Hi there. Hmm, coddling. I’ll have to try that sometime, sounds nice. I do understand. It’s this depression it’s like a burr that’s clung on to me for so long that I wonder if I’m allowing myself to sink into self pity. Some days there’s no light at all and the dark can be so sympathizing. I’m young, I don’t have many worries so why I am feeling like this is a mystery. You’re right though, I have to be good to myself. Thank you :) I hope that you’ll get better soon.

      • Thanks!
        And you take care, too. The things which feel like self-pity or other things our society tells us are “bad” are probably ‘just’ (and I type that with a little smile, because I know there’s no ‘just’ about them) symptoms of your depression. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself about them. :-)

  2. I was wondering if you are feeling sad – you know, seasonal affective disorder.
    There is always a first winter when it strikes; late teens/early twenties (if I remember rightly) when your life can change so much (end of studies/first job/finding a life partner etc.) can start it.
    Melatonin sounds good, also vitamin supplements (especially D, the ‘sunshine vitamin’). There’s also a ‘sunshine’ light-box you can get, to convince your brain that the days are longer and brighter than the cloudy days we’re all getting this year. A visit to your doctor for blood tests might be a good idea too.
    Best wishes

    • Well, I live in the tropics, but I don’t see any pattern with the rainy or dry/sunny (and there’s more of these) seasons. Perhaps it might be that, now that you’ve mentioned this, these past few years have been sprinkled with stress points. There’s this sadness that remains even during the ‘normal’ times and it’s hard to be optimistic about many things. Reading, fan-girling and generally being a geek helps some. It’s sad how often easy it is to paste a smile over it and anyone hardly notices, not as easy to actually talk about though.

      Thank you, really, thanks for writing because I’m looking at this in another light now.

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